A lot of people out there have never had the chance to interact with a transgendered person, and so they may be a bit confused on how to act around them. I’m going to do my best to help out with that.
I should mention that being transgendered is not a lifestyle choice, but like bi- and homosexuality, it is just one of the natural variances in human nature. Trust me, you will certainly hurt a person by telling them what they are doing is only a “lifestyle choice.”
Pronouns
If you know the person is transgendered, you might be a little confused about what pronouns to use for them. Do you use he or she, for instance? This can be cleared up by either asking the person what they prefer, or by going with how they present themselves. If they present as female, then you would use she/her/hers. If they present as male, then he/him/his would be used instead. By present, I mean how they dress and act. Even if the person still looks like a guy, if she is wearing a skirt and such, you should use the proper female pronouns. If you use one set and they ask you to use a differ set, it would be kindest of you to oblige.
Outing
You should never ‘out’ a person (e.g., reveal their transgenderedness) without their permission first. If you do, you could at best be setting them up for an awkward moment, and at worst putting them in life threatening danger. Right now the world isn’t a very safe place for transgendered people, or any person who doesn’t fit into what society deems as “the norm.” Transgendered people have been killed, just because they were born a little differently than most people.
Sex Life / Genitalia / Surgeries
Just like with any other person, a transgendered individual’s sex life is their own private information. You should not ask if they are having sex, or how they have sex. You also shouldn’t ask about the state of their genitalia; whether they have had the surgery or not. These are very rude things to ask about. Most people wouldn’t want to talk about their sex lives, genitalia, or surgeries to just anybody, and neither do transgendered people.
Bathrooms / Changing Rooms
Depending on the rules of the place you are in and the laws of the area you live in, you might run into a variety of circumstances. Depending on the rules, a transgendered girl may either be made to go into the male or female changing rooms, and vice versa for a transgendered boy. Same thing goes with bathrooms. In most places in the USA, until the person goes starts their Real Life Test, they will have to use the bathrooms / changing rooms for their birth sex.
One of the commonly voiced fears is that a transgendered person wants to go into the bathrooms / changing rooms of their opposite birth sex to peep or do something perverted. This is not true at all! All they want to do is use the bathroom or change their clothes just like everyone else. And while you may be worried, trust me, they are probably more worried about the situation than you are. They’ll worry more about being harassed or physically attacked. A transgirl would be worried about going into the men’s rooms, since a lot of males seem to feel threatened by transgirls and feminine guys, and would be worried about going into the women’s rooms because the women might think they are only in there to peep at them and such.
Just like you would with anyone else, you don’t stare, don’t act rude or mean, finish your business and let them finish theirs. They have every right to be in there, just as you do.
Dating
Dating a transperson is basically like dating a cisperson. There will be some differences though, some things you will have to get used to, and some things your date will have to get used to as well. It is quite possible that your date has been off the dating scene for years by this point, due to his/her transgenderedness, and so may not be used to dating anymore.
Just because a person identifies as male or female, doesn’t mean they will act stereotypically masculine or feminine. You may run into a feminine guy or a butchy girl. You don’t need to harass them over it though, because just as there are plenty of variations in the cisgendered population, those same variations appear in the transgendered population.
Another thing to remember is to treat them just like any other person. Don’t obsess over their identified gender. It’ll be nice to hear things like, “You’re so cute,” or “You’re such a stud,” every so often. But not all the time. Transgendered people are made aware of their gender issues all the time, and while it is a relief to hear some of the proper terms every so often, it is annoying to hear all the time. You wouldn’t bring to light the femininity or masculinity of a cisgendered date all the time, so why would you with a transgendered date? Just treat them like a normal person, because that is both what they are and what they crave.
Sex
Some transpeople don’t have any interest in sex until they get the genital surgery. Others are willing to give out sexual pleasure, but don’t want to receive it until they get the surgery. Some are willing to have certain types of sex pre-op, and other post-op. These are just a few examples, because there are way too many to easily write up here. Just make sure to ask them what they are willing to do, and don’t pressure them into doing something they aren’t comfortable.
Another thing is that your partner may prefer to refer to their body in different ways. Some transgirls are fine with talking about their penis and balls, while others prefer to call it a clitoris and ovaries. Some would just prefer that their genitals didn’t even exist, and so try and ignore them. A transgirl may be fine with penetrating you, or may not. The same goes with transguys. Some are fine with being penetrated, while others would rather die first. Some like their boobs to be played with, some don’t. A transguy might want his clitoris to be referred to as his penis, or his boobs as his pecs. Some are fine with referring to them as how they were when they were born. There are a ton of variations out there, and no two transpeople will be identical. Just ask them before you do anything, so you don’t upset them or create an awkward situation for you both.
Conclusion
Sex and dating will probably be awkward for both of you at first. There will be a period of adjustment and learning for both of you. But when it is all over, you may have just found a really wonderful partner. Transpeople are a little different, but they aren’t weird or perverted or abnormal. Just treat them with respect, and you could find a really wonderful friend or partner.
